7 Basic Drinks for Bartenders

So, you’ve made enough mistakes in life that you’re now tending bar? Congratulations, this is the guide for you! This guide is meant to cover the most basic drinks for bartenders that any half-way stocked bar should be able to make.

I mostly work at “beer and a shot” bars, and I can go for a full shift without anyone ordering anything more complicated than a vodka soda with lime, but these are the six cocktails that I get the most orders for, and one more that I just want to bitch about.

I have omitted certain cocktails that require special equipment (i.e. Pina Colada) or that have uncommon ingredients (Mojito). There’s a place for those drinks, and it ain’t in a dive bar. These are all geared for speed and simplicity and can be made with the basic rail liquors (with a couple of exemptions).

The Basic Drinks for Bartenders

Old Fashioned

Almost every cocktail order I get is for an Old Fashioned, I’m not sure if this is a mid-western thing or if it’s a ‘customers being a pain-in-the-dick’ thing since everyone seems to want the time-consuming drink possible in the middle of a rush. There’s also a Wisconsin Supper Club variant Old Fashioned made with Brandy and 7-Up that is garbage, but still quite popular with lumbering cheese-stuffed dipshits.

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Manhattan

Pretty much everybody who orders a Manhattan gets pissy when it shows up and it isn’t an Old Fashioned. I recently got into an argument with a bunch of ruddy-faced contrarians that insisted that a Manhattan was a Negroni (see below) with Bourbon. It isn’t (that’s called a Boulevardier). Calmly explain that just because they’re all wrong together, it doesn’t mean they’re right. Then go and make them a fucking Old Fashioned.

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Negroni

I only get asked to make a Negroni every once in a while, but it’s a super-simple recipe to remember and makes for a good “surprise me” cocktail. Plus, every time I help somebody move, I end up with a half-empty bottle of Campari, so I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

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Margarita

You wouldn’t believe what passes for a goddamned Margarita recipe in a rock bar. Roses Lime, pop, or anything relatively sour is all fair game. I had an old-school Chicago bartender swear that his sour mix, Sprite, and tequila formula was the best. It. Was. Not. This is the traditional cocktail version of the Margarita, so if someone is looking for some frozen strawberry mango monstrosity, tell them to fuck off to the nearest Chili’s with the rest of the blender drink aficionados.

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Martini

The drink of choice for extra-angry old white guys and neckbearded incels alike! Pretty much everybody else that orders a Martini just panics when it’s their time to order, goes with the first drink’s name they can remember, gets pissed that it’s a glass of liquor that tastes like booze, then orders a Captain & Coke the next round.

Variants

Dry: 0.25 oz Dry Vermouth (half as much)
(with a) Twist: Lemon peel for olive
Vodka: Replace Gin with Vodka
Chocolate: Go fuck yourself

This is a classic bartender drink and it’s a great choice for the swankiest of cocktail parties or just looking cool AF at the end of the bar. You can also add different types of stuffed olives or olive brine (“dirty”) if you want to change it up.

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Cosmopolitan

This is another deer-in-the-headlights drink but gendered (how fun!). “Oh, shit! It’s my turn to order? What was that drink from Sex in the City?” Usually consumed in groups of thirty-something schoolteachers out on a crazy girl’s night, trying to pack in as much fancy as possible before Maddison starts puking a pink rainbow and everyone must sober up enough to get her into an Uber back home to her husband and kids.

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Long Island Iced Tea

Whenever someone says, “Long Island Iced Tea” all I hear is “I’m a garbage human and I wish to argue with you about the price of booze”. Ordering one of these at a bar is a huge red flag, The only reason anyone ever orders a Long Island Iced Tea is because they want the cocktail with the most alcohol (approx. 20% alcohol by volume), but It’ll cost you the same to just do 3 full shots and not mix everything together like a mental patient, or just order 3 drinks and take awhile before you get pants-shitting wasted.

The last couple of bars I’ve worked at won’t do them because they’re nothing but a huge fucking rigmarole capped with an argument, and the only reason I put them on this list is that I wanted to vent. People drinking Long Islands never follow bar etiquette, never tip, and are always a pain all the way up the ass. I actually had some rube who kept bitching at me to make the next one “stronger”, it’s kinda hard to make something made entirely out of hard liquor any stronger, so I left out the ice. Then I’m the asshole? Eat a dick. Fucking. Trash. Drink. I hope you fucking choke on it.

Equipment

These are the basics for any bar setup. Hell, whenever it’s busy I’ll make most drinks by counting out pours and mix everything by swirling it around in an open shaker, but all the below come in handy at one time or another. You don’t need anything too fancy, and don’t need to sink the bank into some elaborate bar setup, although I did link to that stainless steel jigger because it’s sexy as fuck.

Jigger

Shaker

Strainer

Muddler

Bar Spoon

Citrus Press

Ingredients

Liquor

American Whiskey – Bourbon, which is only made in Bourbon County in Kentucky (Jim Beam, Makers Mark, Heaven Hill, Wild Turkey) or Tennessee Whiskey (Jack Daniels, Dickel). At home I use Knob Creek, and every time I have a BBQ a half-drunk bottle of Jim Beam always appears.

Vodka – If you’re mixing it, there’s no reason to use the expensive stuff (Grey Goose, Chopin, Grey Goose, Belvedere). At home I use Tito’s.

Gin – Like vodka but mixed with a Christmas tree. At home I use Prairie.

Tequila – It really doesn’t matter, but you’ll probably be working with a Blanco tequila like Sauza Silver, but you might have a Reposado like Cuervo Gold. At home I use Espolon Reposado because the wife likes the bottle art.

Rum – Forget the flavored shit like Captain Morgans or Malibu, and don’t bother with the darker stuff like Pusser’s or Mount Gay (despite those last 2 having a couple of the best names in all of boozedom). For basic cocktails, you’re going to want a basic silver or light rum like Bacardi. At home I use Cruzan.

Triple Sec – A sweet, orange-flavored liqueur. If you want to fancify the recipe you can sub Cointreau or Grand Marnier, but just stick with the cheap shit. At home I use that cheap shit (Dekuyper) but have both Cointreau and Grand Marnier on hand to make fancified Margaritas.

Vermouth (Sweet and Dry) – A fortified wine (like Mad Dog 20/20, but fancier). Wikipedia says “Sweet vermouths usually contain 10–15% sugar. The sugar content in dry vermouths generally does not exceed 4%”, so that. You’re gonna want a bottle of each, if you’re looking for a second use, they can also be used as suitable cooking wines. At home I have 2 dusty bottles of Noilly Prat that I’m sure are long past being worth using.

Citrus Vodka – Like Absolut Citron or Stoli Citros. I don’t have this at home, but it can be made super easy. Cut up a lemon and put in a mason jar, fill the jar with vodka, let it infuse for 1-3 weeks, strain, and you’re done.
Campari – Is Campari, a bitter aperitif from Italy.

Mixers

Bitters, Simple Syrup*, Cola, Cranberry Juice

Garnish

Limes, Lemons, Oranges, Olives

*1 part Sugar, 1 part hot Water. You can make it with warm tap water in a pinch. Store in the fridge until it gets lost in the back for months and goes moldy. Don’t buy pre-made simple syrup; it’s a huge rip-off.

Craig’s Tips

Ice. Ice? Baby.

If there’s one thing I learned while tending bar in the mean, cutthroat world of hotels and banquets, it’s this: if you want to be a hero, make strong drinks.

“This tastes like it doesn’t have enough mixer in it”, said no one, ever. You’ve got one glass, three components, and your manager is looking over your shoulder. There’s only one way to make drinks taste strong and be a hero to everyone on both sides of the bar: more ice.

Vodka tonic? Fill the glass with ice to the top. Pour your shot, and hit it with the gun. Don’t worry about it being TOO strong. Enough of the ice will melt as you pour so that it won’t be obnoxious. Simple, fast, and strong. You’ll spend more of your time squeezing the lime into it than mixing it. If the customer doesn’t wheeze after the first sip and inhale a horse-sounding “That’s good….”, their tongue is pickled beyond your abilities.

The Art of Guesstimation

Got a tall order and a line at the bar? Only amateurs fill a jigger to the top and pour it. If you want to be fast, you need to master the Art of Guesstimation.

Practice pouring into the jigger until it’s nearly full, but not entirely. The trick is to keep pouring from the bottle and dispense the same amount of booze as you would if you’d measured precisely, but you’re speeding through it by combining steps.

1. Fill your glasses with ice.
2. Line your glasses (or shakers) up by common spirits (2 vodka drinks, 1 gin drink, 2 whiskey drinks, etc.)
3. Grab your first bottle.
4. Hold the jigger near the top of the first glass and start pouring.
5. BEFORE the jigger is full, dump it into the glass, still pouring from the bottle into the glass for a “one count”. Or probably less – it depends on your brain.
6. Move on to the next glass, changing spirits as you go, changing sides of the jigger as necessary.
7. Pour your mix.

You can also practice “counting out” shots so you don’t need to use a measure. Also a lot of glassware has hidden pour lines incorporated into the design, so look for that!

Since we’re talking speed (and we already talked about ice), this absolutely needs to be said: Never, under any circumstances, scoop your ice with the glass. Use an ice scoop or a plastic cup if you don’t have one.

Many a bartender has gone down in flames cleaning the broken glass out of the ice bin. It’s just not worth it.