199 Funny Beer Quotes to Help You Seem Clever

“A man knows less
as he drinks more,
and loses more and more of his wisdom.”

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”

“I think getting drunk is the key to flying comfortably.”

“I did quite enjoy the days when one went for a beer at one’s local in Paris and woke up in Corsica.”

“I’m a beer man. I tried to drink whiskey and Scotch, but I don’t get it. It smells like a girl who didn’t shower and just splashed a lot of perfume on.”

“Drink reacts on its practitioners in conflicting ways. One brave can knock off a quart of Scotch and look and act as sober as Herbert Hoover. Another, after three Martinis, makes two-cushion carroms off the chaise lounge as he attempts to negotiate the bathroom.”

“Important people are much more interesting when they are drunk and seem much more like human beings. “

“I formed a new group called Alcoholics-Unanimous. If you don’t feel like a drink, you ring another member and he comes over to persuade you.”

“Wracked with a hangover I do my muttering over a Black Velvet, a union of champagne and stout. Don’t be swindled into believing there’s any cure for a hangover. I’ve tried them all: iced tomatoes, hot clam juice, brandy peaches. Like the common cold it defies solution. Time alone can stay it. The hair of the dog? That way lies folly. It’s as logical as trying to put out a fire with applications of kerosene.”

“Booze is the most outrageous of drugs which is why I chose it.”

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. “

“It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. “

“I turned Hamlet down because it was going to take up too much of my drinking time.”

“Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.”

“If you can’t do something willingly and joyfully, then don’t do it. If you give up drinking, don’t go moaning about it; go back on the bottle.”

“My father warned me about men and booze but he never said anything about women and cocaine.”

“I gave up drinking once — it was the worst afternoon of my life.”

“I don’t drink because I have problems or I want to escape. I just love drinking and being drunk.”

“I’m only here for the beer.”

“If I wanted water, I would have asked for water.”

“It looks good, it tastes good, and by golly it does you good.”

“It’s what your right arm’s for.”

“You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.”

“Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.”

“Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”

“Here’s a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there’s someone right behind you. “

“I can party like a twenty-four-year-old but it takes me almost a week to recover.”

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: ‘Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.'”

“I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”

“If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.”

“If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go What happens if you take two? “

“If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.”

“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

“There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.”

“Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.”

“Alcohol has been a social lubricant for thousands of years. What do you think, you’re going to sit here tonight and reinvent the wheel?”

“Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone.”

“Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.”

“I am not an alcoholic. I am a drunk, and there is a vast difference.”

“I feel like getting plushed to the scuppers!”

“I hate men who smell like beer and bean dip… and makin’ love in the back of recreational vehicles!”

“I wanna be drunk. And make… you drunk. Because I’m intimidated by you. I need to feel free to say anything, and know that you’ll forgive me.”

“I want to sit under a linden tree with nothing more important to worry about but the temperature of the beer. If there is anything more important.”

“I’ve drunk more beer and banged more quiff and pissed more blood and stomped more ass that all of you numbnuts put together.”

“If you’re thirsty, a drink will cure it, if you’re not, a drink will prevent it. Prevention is better than a cure.”

“Promise me one thing: don’t take me home until I’m drunk… Very drunk indeed.”

“The only way Ralph would remember our anniversary is if there was a beer named June 2nd.”

“To alcohol! The cause of – and solution – to all of life’s problems.”

“Well, yeah it doesn’t really allow my dice to roll and by dice I mean testicles. Speaking of testicles, let me get a beer.”

“When you come to the end of the line, with a buddy who is more than a brother and a little less than a wife, getting blind drunk together is really the only way to say farewell.”

“Why did I get drunk? I do stupid things when I’m drunk… like sleep with my husband!”

“You see, drinking is a matter of algebraic ratio. How drunk you get is caused by the amount of alcohol you consume in relation to your total body weight. You see my point? It’s not that you had too much to drink. You’re just too skinny.”

“A little bit of beer is divine medicine.”

“Beer he drank – seven goblets. His spirit was loosened. He became hilarious. His heart was glad and his face shown.”

“Beer, if drunk in moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit and promotes health.”

“Bless, + O Lord, this creature beer, which thou hast deigned to produce from the fat of grain: that it may be a salutary remedy to the human race, and grant through the invocation of thy holy name; that, whoever shall drink it, may gain health in body and peace in soul.”

“For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity or perception to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication.”

“From man’s sweat and God’s love, beer came into the world.”

“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”

“Give my people plenty of beer, good beer, and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them.”

“I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.”

“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.”

“I have often regretted what I have eaten, but never what I have drunk.”

“I should like a great lake of ale, for the King of Kings. I should like the family of heaven to be drinking it through time eternal. “

“Many battles have been fought and won by soldiers nourished on beer.”

“People who drink beer, generally think beer.”

“We old folks have to find our cushions and pillows in our tankards. Strong beer is the milk of the old.”

“Whenever the devil harasses you, seek the company of men or drink more, or joke and talk nonsense, or do some other merry thing. Sometimes we must drink more, sport, recreate ourselves, and even sin a little to spite the devil, so that we leave him no place for troubling our consciences with trifles. We are conquered if we try too conscientiously not to sin at all. So when the devil says to you: do not drink, answer him: I will drink, and right freely, just because you tell me not to.”

“Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!”

“I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”

“The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn’t have to attend all those meetings. “

“If I only drink beer, nothing stronger, then by the end of the night I can generally recognize myself as a reasonable human being, and more importantly, wake up that way.”

“If merely ‘feeling good’ could decide, drunkenness would be the supremely valid human experience.”

“A drunk tongue is an honest one in my opinion. “

“Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.”

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”

“I can’t die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.”

“I feel sorry for people that don’t drink, because when they wake up in the morning, that is the best they are going to feel all day.”

“If you had a Ministry box set under your Christmas tree, wrapped in paper, ‘From Beer to Eternity’ is the bow that goes around the present, you know what I mean?”

“Well I got a bad liver and a broken heart
yea I drunk me a river since you tore me apart
and I don’t have a drinking problem
‘cept when I can’t get a drink”

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but in the very least you need a beer.”

“Here with my beer I sit, while golden moments flit: alas! They pass unheeded by: and as they fly, I, being dry, sit idly sipping here, my beer.”

“A man does not exist until he is drunk.”

“A man shouldn’t fool with booze until he’s fifty; then he’s a damn fool if he doesn’t.”

“A man who exposes himself when he is intoxicated, has not the art of getting drunk.”

“A man who lies about beer makes enemies.”

“A warm beer is still a good beer, despite what modern country singers say.”

“About the nicest thing God ever invented was alcohol. He’s proud of it, too. The Bible’s full of kind remarks about booze.”

“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.”

“Ale, man, ale’s the stuff to drink
For fellows whom it hurts to think”

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.”

“And … and what is civilisation if it isn’t people talking to each other over a goddamned beer?”

“Anybody can be a non-drunk. It takes a special talent to be a drunk. It takes endurance. Endurance is more important than truth. “

“Be wary of strong drink, it can make you shoot at the tax collector…and miss.”

“Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.”

“Beer was not made to be moralized about, but to be drunk.”

“Beer’s intellectual. What a shame so many idiots drink it.”

“But if at the Church they would give us some Ale.
And a pleasant fire, our souls to regale;
We’d sing and we’d pray, all the live-long day;
Nor ever once wish from the Church to stray”

“By drinking, a boy acts like a man. After drinking, many a man acts like a boy.”

“Do not blame a person for drinking lest he is trying to forget something more serious than drinking.”

“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable. Never drink when you are wretched without it, or you will be like the grey-faced gin-drinker in the slum; but drink when you would be happy without it, and you will be like the laughing peasant of Italy. Never drink because you need it, for this is rational drinking, and the way to death and hell. But drink because you do not need it, for this is irrational drinking, and the ancient health of the world.”

“Drink thy share of mead; speak fair or not at all’ – that was the old text, and a very sensible one in its way.”

“Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious visions clamber
Through the chamber of my brain —
Quaintest thoughts — queerest fancies
Come to life and fade away;
What care I how time advances?
I am drinking ale today.”

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

“Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes.”

“For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the God formula, the big answers don’t remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”

“Here’s to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.”

“High school isn’t a very important place. When you’re going you think it’s a big deal, but when it’s over nobody really thinks it was great unless they’re beered up.”

“Hitler was the archetype of the abstemious man. When the other krauts saw him drink water in the Beer Hall they should have known he was not to be trusted.”

“I don’t think I’ve drunk enough beer to understand that.”

“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.”

“I HAVE drunk ale from the Country of the Young
And weep because I know all things now”

“I like beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of communism or the fact that the refrigerator is still working.”

“I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won’t let himself get snotty about it.”

“I try to stay two drinks ahead of reality and three behind a drunk”

“I understood drinking to be the gasoline of all adventure.”

“I want a beer. I want a giant, ice-cold bottle of beer and shower sex.”

“In Russia, drunks are our kindest people. Our kindest people are also the most drunk.”

“I’d tried to straighten him out, but there’s only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.”

“I’m an occasional drinker, the kind of guy who goes out for a beer and wakes up in Singapore with a full beard.”

“If getting drunk was how people forgot they were mortal, then hangovers were how they remembered. “

“If I only drink beer, nothing stronger, then by the end of the night I can generally recognize myself as a reasonable human being, and more importantly, wake up that way.”

“If there’s one thing that makes a man sick, it’s to have his ale poured out of an ugly hand.”

“If you want to know where God is, ask a drunk.”

“Imagination is like the drunk man who lost his watch and must get drunk again to find it. “

“It was a natural as eating and to me as necessary, and I would not have thought of eating a meal without drinking beer.”

“It was beer, not fire, that Prometeus stole from the gods and brought to man.”

“It’s good for a man to get drunk once in a while. It releases all the evil spirits. “

“Keep your libraries, your penal institutions, your insane asylums… give me beer. You think man needs rule, he needs beer. The world does not need morals, it needs beer… The souls of men have been fed with indigestibles, but the soul could make use of beer.”

“Life, alas,
Is very drear.
Up with the glass,
Down with the beer!”

“Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.”

“May you drink so much that you lose your fear, but not so much that you lose your mind.”

“Men get drunk and boast, or they get religion and repent.”

“My beerdrunk soul is sadder than all the dead Christmas trees of the world.”

“Mulled ale for the frozen man,
And mulled ale for the weary:
For mulled ale is the body’s friend
And makes the sick heart merry.”

“Never underestimate how much assistance, how much satisfaction, how much comfort, how much soul and transcendence there might be in a well-made taco and a cold bottle of beer.”

“Nobody drove me to drink… but they had to drive me back.”

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

“Nothing spells trouble like two drunk cowboys with a rocket launcher.”

“One should always be drunk. That’s all that matters…But with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you chose. But get drunk.”

“Personality must be accepted for what it is. You mustn’t mind that a poet is a drunk, rather that drunks are not always poets.”

“Politicians use statistics in the same way that a drunk uses lamp-posts: for support rather than illumination.”

“She was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; nor the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it’s there, because it can’t hurt, and because what difference does it make?”

“stay with the beer.
beer is continuous blood.
a continuous lover.”

“That’s right, there’s free beer in Irish paradise. Everyone’s jealous.”

“That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”

“The human intellect owes its superiority over that of the lower animals in great measure to the stimulus which alcohol has given imagination.”

“The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk they’re sober.”

“The sacred pint alone can unbind the tongue.”

“The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour.”

“The troubles of our proud and angry dust
Are from eternity, and shall not fail.
Bear them we can, and if we can we must.
Shoulder the sky, my lad, and drink your ale.”

“There are worse ways to die than warm and drunk. “

“There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What’s up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don’t think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass! Who’s been pinching my beer?”

“There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink.”

“There is an ancient Celtic axiom that says ‘Good people drink good beer.’ Which is true, then as now. Just look around you in any public barroom and you will quickly see: Bad people drink bad beer. Think about it.”

“There’s something wonderful about drinking in the afternoon. A not-too-cold pint, absolutely alone at the bar – even in this fake-ass Irish pub.”

“This leads to the great theory of human history: that we didn’t start farming because we wanted food—there was loads of that around. We started farming because we wanted booze.”

“This must be Thursday,’ said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer. ‘I never could get the hang of Thursdays.”

“Unless you’re a recovering alcoholic or Mormon or have liver problems, you should always have booze in the house. We were once invited to an acquaintance’s place for brunch and they offered us green tea and salad and it was a fucking nightmare.”

“We Persians have a saying that one should deliberate serious matters first drunk, then sober. “

“When things go wrong and will not come right
Though you do the best you can
When life looks black as the hour of night
A pint of plain is your only man”

“William Faulkner is supposed to have said, ‘Civilization begins with distillation,’ but I’d push even further — beyond just distilled spirits to wine, beer, mead, sake … all of it. Booze is civilization in a glass.”

“You cannot drink bread
You can’t butter beer
and it takes at least two
men to plough with a spear
and yet we got here.”

“Beer is not a good cocktail-party drink, especially in a home where you don’t know where the bathroom is.”

“I like beer.”

“There is no such thing as a bad beer. It’s that some taste better than others.”

“A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it’s better to be thoroughly sure.”

“A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it’s better to be thoroughly sure.”

“Beer before liquor, you’ll never be sicker, but liquor before beer and you’re in the clear.”
“Beer before wine, you’ll feel fine. Wine before beer, you’ll feel queer.”
“Cider on beer, never fear; beer upon cider, makes a bad rider.”
“Whiskey on beer, never fear. Beer on whiskey, mighty risky.”

“Beer makes beautiful bodies.”

“Better weak beer than an empty cask.”

“But the greatest love–the love above all
Even greater than that of a mother…
Is the tender, passionate, undying love,
Of one beer drunken slob for another.”

“Drinking with a bosom friend, a thousand shots are too few; Talking with a disagreeable person, half a sentence is too many.”

“Here’s to long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer — and another one!”

“It takes beer to make a thirst worthwhile.”

“May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

“Nothing is more expensive than the first beer.”

“One mouth doesn’t taste the beer.”

“The church is near, but the road is icy. The bar is far, but we will walk carefully.”

“The mouth of perfectly happy man is filled with beer.”

“Thirst is the end of drinking and sorrow is the end of drunkenness.”

“What is said when drunk has been thought out beforehand. “

“When the beer goes in the wits go out.”

“When your companions get drunk and fight, Take up your hat, and wish them good night.”

“Wherever beer is brewed, all is well-wherever beer is drunk, life is good.”

“Wine upon beer is very good cheer; beer upon wine consider with fear.”

“You speak of my drinking, yet you don’t know my thirst.”

“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.”

“Beer is the reason I get out of bed every afternoon.”

“Don’t praise the day until it’s night,
don’t praise your wife until she’s burned,
don’t praise the sword until after the fight,
nor your daughter till she’s married,
don’t praise the ice until it’s crossed,
nor the ale until it’s drunk.”

“He that drinketh strong beer
and goes to bed right mellow,
lives as he ought to live
and dies a hearty fellow.”

“In beer’s defense, I’ve done some pretty stupid shit while sober, too.”

“Thank you, Craft Beer Breweries, for making my drinking problem seem like a neat hobby.”